I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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