i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
