hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
