I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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