sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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