She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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