I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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