Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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