I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
