Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
