I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
