Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
