i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just blew my weed a kiss
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
