i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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