dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
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He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
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We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.