I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
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STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
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in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.