Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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