Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Found the puke drawer
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
