Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm passing your future prison.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
