You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
