guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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