I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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