I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
