I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We left the knife in your bed.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
