saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
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