youre lurking in front of me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
