You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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