im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
