When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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