If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
