you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
