Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
