My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
