I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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