By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
