My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
