Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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