dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
