please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
