Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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