I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
