I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
