is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
