i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We got so high we made milksteak
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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