don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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