I'm pants shitting drunk right now
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
