I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
