she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
