My room smells like vodka and shame
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
