I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
