airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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