if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You have to summon your inner elephant
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So. Much. Porn.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
