What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
