I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
